Living in the past

Not being in control of my emotions and lack of self-confidence were always a source of problems and frustration within me.
When something pop's up were i feel unconfortable,in danger,not in control or inferior,i usually rapidly and radically react in anger.There for,i often loose total control over my mind and sometimes even my body.I would blame these feelings onto another or onto the external source of them.Hence,totally escaping from my self,out of fear to actually face a situation and out of fear to compromize my image.
I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to hold on to memories and definning my self according to them.
I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to think that i cannot change because i cannot change the past,and the past is who and what i am.This is not true,sens im in constant movement and constant change.Defining my self according to a moment,a picture or a memorie would meen that im not here on earth,that i am not alive,that im in fact living in the past,into my mind.
I forgive my self for accepting,allowing and encouraging my self to live in the past and to define my self according to it.
I forgive my self for acccepting and allowing my self to react to a situation according to my past,memories,feelings and judgments.
I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to give in to my desire to hurt poeple when led by this energy flow of anger.
I forgive my self that i have accepted and allowed my self to blame others in order not to take responsibility for my actions,feelings and reactions.
I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to use my past as an excuse not to become who i want to be.
I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to use my past as an excuse of how dirty,greedy and abusif i can be.Blaming my past instead of takin self responsibility.
I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my slef to judge,diminish and be a shamed of my self because of the definition i give to myself according to my past.
I commit my self to not let my self brought down because of my past,to recognize when im reacting according to memories and to to stop those reactions,to give my self a moment in situations of conflict,to learn to stop talkin when i need a moment,to stop taking things personnal and blaming others,to take responsibility for my actions and there consequences,to learn to be alone,to forgive my self step by step for evrything ive done or that happend to me or that ive participated in,to maintaain stability when i feel im goin to blow up,to be strict and disciplined with my self.
I commit my self not to be agressif,not to blame others,not to be judgmental,not to allow myself to loose control,not to react according to memories,not to hold grudges,not to use my past as excuse to anything and not to give up on my self.

A few writtings from lately,mostly to expose my actions and thoughts to my self. May be supportive for others.(partially in french)

Au debut de ma relation,jme sentai un peu comme "lhomme de la petite famille",comme ke ctai sur moi kil pouvait compter.jme sentai comme le "protecteur" kil aimai et admirai dune certaine maniere.aussi dans ce temp la,cetai moi le "dominant" de la relation,alors je sentai ke javai bcp de responsabilte envers eux.jaidai tjrs avec plaisir mm si sa mtentai pas et jetai tres gentleman et respectueux kan on interajissait avec kelkun surtout d hommes et c la ke jetai sur la deffensive.comme si jdevait les proteger et ne pas laisser dautre homme sapprocher deux.pui je me voyai un peu comme limage masculine ke Ian aurrait de la famille.tt cela a basculer lorske jai commencer a considerer bitia commme la "dominante" de notre couple. a partir dun incident avec une fille jai senti une tention constante entre moi etg bitia et ds ce temp la elle essayai de me changer bcp.c la ke jai commencer a men foutre un peu de mon "status dhomme/gentleman" puiske javai trop de grudge envers elle.bcp de temp a passer ou je ne me proposait plus pr aider autant ou je netai pas gallant,jai perdu le but.jme disai a koi bon puiskelle aura kan mm la mm image de moi. Alors kan "bobby" a commencer a frequenter suegra je ne laimai deja pas (travail suegra,retard,sketchitude,riche,snob) tt des memoires ou des prejuges. en plus ds ce temp la bitia ne laimai vrmnt pas pr les mm raisons ke moi et aussi pr son arrogance o telephone,jai prit cela comme un encouragement(je netai pas le seul ki ne laimai pas).moi jne laimai pas aussi paske jle considerai cmme un danger puiske cetai un homme.o fur et a mesure jai vu ke Ian sattachai de plus en plus a lui (et ds stemp la il me disai tjrs non bassem!! et etai facher contre moi) alors kan jle voyai tout contant avec lui, jetai jaloux et jai commencer a pense: (ah non!sa va etre lui limage masculine de ian et pas moi).sa me frappait bcp paske jai voulu etre sa pendant longtemp jai voulu kil mecoute et kil aprenne de moi(ce ki na jamais marche).ensuite il ya eu un incident ke apartir de la, jai vrmnt baisser lestime ke javai envers la mere de bitia et ki ma fai detester cet homme(sous,nue,vomi/ian).a partir de la je nai plus voulu le revoir.apres sa les choses se sont calmer la tention est tomber et pui bitia a commencer a lui trouver un interet et mnt elle laime,ce ki ma vraaiiiiment frapper puiske je me sentai deja inferieur a lui (plus vieu,bcp bcp experience,riche,intelligent,beau parleur).pui la jai commencer a douter ke bitia le prendrai comme image masculine aussi comme un "pere kel a jamai eu".elle lui parlai parfoi de c probleme a ma place et prenai c perspective .et la jai vu kel pouvai faire confiance a un autre homme ke moi et sa aussi ma frapper puiske jme considerai le seul homme kel pouvait compter sur.alors les seuls fois ke j etai pas la pr la supporter c lui ki la fait.le plus kil rentrai ds leur vie personnelle le plus ke jsentai ke javai de moins en moins dimportance ou de necessite.

 

Jai donc accepter et permis de determiner ma valeur selon limage ke les autres avait de moi.

Jai aider et ete gentil seulement si je pouvait me faire apprecier ou avoir un certain profit.

Jai considerer comme si la "petite famille" me devait kelkechose,comme si javai un certain droit sur eux.

Je me suis considerer comme une image/un personnage en jouant un role.

 

 

Jai toujours voulu trouver les mauvais cotes,les failles,les trous"what makes it wrong" et jamai les avantages le bon cotes. Jai toujours douter de tout et detester kon me dise koi faire.

Sa ma pri de la force pr decider de lacher la religion et admettre ke ce nest ke dla merde esclavagante.

Jai essayai de trouver la faille a desteni. Kelke chose ke je trouvai incoherent deja.

Lorske jen ai parler a ma compagnonne,je redoutai deja de rentrer ds un grand debat ou une confrontation. Je lui en avait jamai parler si directement et jen avait peur paske jvoulai pas surmonter la confrontation. Je savai kil y avait kelke chose de pas correct mais je nai pas su comment lui faire parvenir le message directement. Je voulai savoir ce kel pensait de tt sa.

Lorskon a commencer a discuter,jetai deja sur la deffensive.

Un gars marchait ds lmetro pui foutai la merde.il intimidait tt lmonde et leur fesait peur,les insulter,il a mm tapper un homme deriere la tete.

Il ma regarder ma fait d gros yeux pi ma menacer indirectement.moi jlui ai sourit et lui ai fai signe de la main en voulant dire"keskia pk tu fai d probleme avec moi,jtai RIEN fait".apre il a continuer sa avec dautre gens.

Jai senti le besoin dintervenir et dareter ce gars la.je savai ke physikment il serait plus fort ke moi et kil avait surment une arme.jaurai pu le prendre par en arriere,mai jnai pas pri le risk.donc je nai rien fait.

Par apres jai ressenti toute sorte de choses:de la rage de la frustration,rancune,regret,impuissance,deception,manke destime,etc..

Sa marrive souvent deprouver le besoin de me prouver de plusieurs manieres.Ke se soit en me battant,parlant a "une belle fille",en maffirmant et prenant dla place avec mes amis.

Not lettin go of the past/not beleiving in my self or chabge/proof

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to use my partner for my profit and the hold certain grudge towards her when she dosnt give me what I want. She is not here on earth to please me but to express her self as life equal to me.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my slef to desire abuse and profit and to not care about the natural concequences of it on myself and others.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to create the need of someone ti satisfy me.

I forgive my self that i hqve qccepted and allowed mu self to create a relationship where to beings depend on eqchother to support eachothers polaritys in order to make sure we would be stuck in an never ending cycle in order to give ne security.

 

Im very afrqid to let go of my profit because im confortable. I know that this confortability will not last much longer for it has allready largly diminished. In my life Ive allways had someone behind ümy back to push me and to "keep me in line". Ive always been in a closed enviorment in a way or another. All my life I got use to victimizing my self and not taking responsibilty and also giving up on "important" things for something I "like" something confortable. Ive always wiched to have a girlfreind from wich i could gain profit satisfaction and confort, somewhere to hide and i had a very low self-estime so i never really had the chance to experience a relation ship or sex before Bitia wich complexed me further threw my teenages and even untill now. Ive always used weed to hide and to be confortable and that just augmented my "not wanting to do any efforts".

Now sence i have no more school or daily parental authority and protection to keep me in line specially that i dont have the personality reputation i had in high school, I have no where to hide and "nothing to do". Also, I do not get my satisfaction/sex/profit from my girlfreind anymore sence she started to implicate her self in her process of rebirth. My mom is going to leave for ever in a month, so I wont be financially supported in the same way wich will obligate me to get a job,something ive also been too lazy and afraid to do. I also see that freinds depend on money and image,so it is fake and will fade one day the least expected. Ive recently started becoming really jaleous of my little brother who is two years younger than me because he was doing things i have always wiched to do and always gave an image of my self as it I WAS that when in reality i was completly deceivin my self. It was about being a "G" and having sex with "hot girls" and having money and being "respected/cool". Then, when my girlfreind told me she was experiencing an attraction towards him, it totally hit me because i was allready doubting about it. I felt so bad with my self, like if i had no strenght no breath to talk, I felt worthless and sloppy / week like a worm, i felt betrayed and alot of images passed in my head of her wanting to have sex with him and it hurt me,i felt dizzy, i didnt want her to know wat i was experiencing i was afraid and lost,my stomach flipped and i felt like puking litterly i was choked because it was an accumulation from other things i was exeriencing before that i havnt straightend out with myself and i was mad in a way. So i saw at what point i depended in Bitia to like " be" practically. Im depending on her on so many bases. My process was always out of fear of being alone of "loosing her" and then later on i gave my self an image of "diffrent/interesting/hero" by using the abuse of life for my profit. Now evrything is braking down and the phisical is smacking me back to reality slowly. Weed is a major obstacle for me. And now it is Evry Thing that i must give up and I must take responsibilty and change for my self for real or I will stay in the cycle and rought slowly more n more till I decide to change eventually or die. I will not promess anytthing to my self but I MUST CHANGE, TAKE RESPONSIBILTY AND FORGIVE MY SELF ONE STEP AT A TIME.

For me

For me

Fir me for me fir me gor kefir me foe

I'm in constant cinflict and confrontations with my partner and it is something very unpleasent. I will not state anything about her because I want to take responsibility for my actions and their outcome.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to expect and desire that someone supports my dishonest actions.

I forgive my self fir accepting and allowibg my slef to try to impress someone in order to give value to my self according to someone else wich is total self deception.

I forgive my self for accepting allowing my self to get mad at someone when they do not give me what I want.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to abuse of others by interacting with them for the only goal of profit.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowin my self to expect someone to make a change before me which is also self deception threw the fact that I am not changing for me but for profit.

Attraction And Picture Presentation : Deception.

Yesterday,I was helping my freind to moove. It was me this freind,his cousin,the freind and the girlfreind of his cousin and an other of my freinds.We passed the whole day together.

During this day,I experienced many things such as : superiority,inferiority, judments, self-judgments, sexual images/desires, personnality possessions, etc.

The main points of the day is my attraction towards the girlfreind of the cousin of my freind (Annie) and my wanting to be cool/bad/strong/attractive. These 2 points relate.

I had allready seen Annie 3 or 4 times before. I had run a quick scan on Annie like I do ,without even noticing, with most poeple I meet or just see for the first time to classifie them as worthy/not-worthy, good looking/not good looking ,relation ship material or not.....all kind of abusif thoughts similar to these.After judging her as fuckable and stupid I experienced the need to show my self attractive and superior to her.So I had allready created a deceptive mind relationship with her. Having to interact with her during the day showed me what I was going threw/creating. I had also developped an certain attraction to her because her physical appearence reminded me of my first sex experiences with my partner and a time where I was "happy" with her (in reality it was total self interest and it was about what could we get out of the other and what can we give to make satisfy the other). So during the day I was "playing a role". I was allready experiencing the need to be "bad/cool/attractive" in the past days so it all related together. I tryed presenting myself as something I was not in reality. I tried being superior to evryone and tried having a cool personality so Annie would notice me more and be attracted to me. I was kind of unconfortable because I knew I was just deceiving my self.At the end of the day,when we were all tierd and it was all over, we had pizza and thats when the physicall brought me back to reality. I realized how I wasnt my self the whole day and how now that I was eating, I couldnt really have a picture presentation protecting me from inferiority and I felt judged by others and by my self,I was shy to eat infrount of her and inconfortable, I was irritated with my self and wanted to put an end to all these deceptions. So I breathed and even saw that SHE was also shy and inconfortable(probably she had deceived her self also because I felt she was really "unnatural" lets say at moments). I decided to stop because all this was fake, abusif and deceiving. I put an end to it and I do not want to define my self according to others, personnalitys, vibes or anything like that and I do not want to give value to someone according to my self-centered abusif sexual desires or my insecuritys any more.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to beleive that I am any picture presentation.
I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to judge my self and others depending on my profit.
I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to give in to my desires no matter how abusif they are.
I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to classify poeple like if they are here to please me and as is I'm more worthy of life.
I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to give my value away to something outside of my self.
I forgive my self for accpeting and allowing my self to project my mind onto my self and to others.
I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to hide blindly in order not to take responsibility.

An other point of my fear of being alone and my relationship

An other point of my fear of being alone and my relationship:

I realize that my mind constructs are attached to my partner's mind constructs to such extent that we depend on eachother and expect from eachother alot.I could now see this way clearer then before.I exepect so much out of Bitia it's crazy.In her I seek confort,shelter,a hiding place,image/personnality satisfaction,accomplishing sexual desires/fantasies,"love",that she does things for me,that she supports my emotions and polarities,confirmation of my ideas and for her to accept,support and complete my ego personnality.The hole relationship is based on self-interest coverd by "love" and "sweetness".And when I don't get what I from her it then turns to the opposit polarityi get mad,irrated,I dislike her,wish to hurt her,etc.So seing this makes it now actually easier for me to stop these demonic reactions evry time they occur sens I know that if I'm like this right now,then im not being self-honest and I now know where it comes from,I was expecting something and i didn't get it.I normally experience in these moments lonliness,shame,worthlessness,anger, sadness,etc.All those are victimizations to not take responsibility for my fear of walking alone and for my fear of changing that I inflict the consequences to another.


-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for my experiences.
-I forgive my self for accepting and allowing myself to expect others to give me satisfaction and security.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beleive that I'm not able to accomplish something by my own and that I'm not able to change on my own.I now see that this is not true and that I'm able to fully direct my self in evry breath.
-I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self not to fix myself and then abuse of others to feel better.I now see the problem is always within me and it is for me to fix it,there should be no compulsive reactions at all.
-I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing my self to give myself a chance ov self-devloppment and growth in this relationship.All I've been doing in this relationship is hiding and abusing.I now am willing to implicate and expose myself to come to a change for my self,for my partner:Bitia and for all.

Little point of my fear of being alone

I realized while have to face myself that I am afraid to be alone.

.I have seen that in the reactions i have when my partner is not being
"honest".When that occurs I usually get irritated towards her and become
impatient and inconfortable within myself knowing that I'm not "safe"
anymore.I expect things from her so that I could ensure she will "stay with
me" and I use that "safety" as a "motivation" in my process.I fool myself
into depending on some one else and then blame them when I don't get what I
want from them.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create lack of trust
and lack of independency within myself.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect others to be
the directive of my life and to make evrything just perfect for me.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not to direct myself in
evry breath and to give directive of myself to someone or something
exterior to me.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myslef to inflict
dislike,disrespect,impatience,irritation,abusif thoughts,judgment and blame
onto someone when they don't give me what pleases me.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate and abuse
somone for profit of any kind.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as a
person that abuses of life.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "need" excuses and
motivations to become whats best for all or anything else actually.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself allowing myself to be addicted,manipulated and led by energie and mind created impressions\scenarios.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beleive that my process of re-birth is not within me but external and that I could do it with someone rather then alone and sharing support with someone, wich is me completely deceiving me sens I'm lying to my self.
I forgive  my self for accepting and allowing myself not to have taken a firm stand for me and as what is best for all.