Attraction And Picture Presentation : Deception.

Yesterday,I was helping my freind to moove. It was me this freind,his cousin,the freind and the girlfreind of his cousin and an other of my freinds.We passed the whole day together.

During this day,I experienced many things such as : superiority,inferiority, judments, self-judgments, sexual images/desires, personnality possessions, etc.

The main points of the day is my attraction towards the girlfreind of the cousin of my freind (Annie) and my wanting to be cool/bad/strong/attractive. These 2 points relate.

I had allready seen Annie 3 or 4 times before. I had run a quick scan on Annie like I do ,without even noticing, with most poeple I meet or just see for the first time to classifie them as worthy/not-worthy, good looking/not good looking ,relation ship material or not.....all kind of abusif thoughts similar to these.After judging her as fuckable and stupid I experienced the need to show my self attractive and superior to her.So I had allready created a deceptive mind relationship with her. Having to interact with her during the day showed me what I was going threw/creating. I had also developped an certain attraction to her because her physical appearence reminded me of my first sex experiences with my partner and a time where I was "happy" with her (in reality it was total self interest and it was about what could we get out of the other and what can we give to make satisfy the other). So during the day I was "playing a role". I was allready experiencing the need to be "bad/cool/attractive" in the past days so it all related together. I tryed presenting myself as something I was not in reality. I tried being superior to evryone and tried having a cool personality so Annie would notice me more and be attracted to me. I was kind of unconfortable because I knew I was just deceiving my self.At the end of the day,when we were all tierd and it was all over, we had pizza and thats when the physicall brought me back to reality. I realized how I wasnt my self the whole day and how now that I was eating, I couldnt really have a picture presentation protecting me from inferiority and I felt judged by others and by my self,I was shy to eat infrount of her and inconfortable, I was irritated with my self and wanted to put an end to all these deceptions. So I breathed and even saw that SHE was also shy and inconfortable(probably she had deceived her self also because I felt she was really "unnatural" lets say at moments). I decided to stop because all this was fake, abusif and deceiving. I put an end to it and I do not want to define my self according to others, personnalitys, vibes or anything like that and I do not want to give value to someone according to my self-centered abusif sexual desires or my insecuritys any more.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to beleive that I am any picture presentation.
I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to judge my self and others depending on my profit.
I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to give in to my desires no matter how abusif they are.
I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to classify poeple like if they are here to please me and as is I'm more worthy of life.
I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to give my value away to something outside of my self.
I forgive my self for accpeting and allowing my self to project my mind onto my self and to others.
I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to hide blindly in order not to take responsibility.