Living in the past

Not being in control of my emotions and lack of self-confidence were always a source of problems and frustration within me.
When something pop's up were i feel unconfortable,in danger,not in control or inferior,i usually rapidly and radically react in anger.There for,i often loose total control over my mind and sometimes even my body.I would blame these feelings onto another or onto the external source of them.Hence,totally escaping from my self,out of fear to actually face a situation and out of fear to compromize my image.
I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to hold on to memories and definning my self according to them.
I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to think that i cannot change because i cannot change the past,and the past is who and what i am.This is not true,sens im in constant movement and constant change.Defining my self according to a moment,a picture or a memorie would meen that im not here on earth,that i am not alive,that im in fact living in the past,into my mind.
I forgive my self for accepting,allowing and encouraging my self to live in the past and to define my self according to it.
I forgive my self for acccepting and allowing my self to react to a situation according to my past,memories,feelings and judgments.
I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to give in to my desire to hurt poeple when led by this energy flow of anger.
I forgive my self that i have accepted and allowed my self to blame others in order not to take responsibility for my actions,feelings and reactions.
I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to use my past as an excuse not to become who i want to be.
I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to use my past as an excuse of how dirty,greedy and abusif i can be.Blaming my past instead of takin self responsibility.
I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my slef to judge,diminish and be a shamed of my self because of the definition i give to myself according to my past.
I commit my self to not let my self brought down because of my past,to recognize when im reacting according to memories and to to stop those reactions,to give my self a moment in situations of conflict,to learn to stop talkin when i need a moment,to stop taking things personnal and blaming others,to take responsibility for my actions and there consequences,to learn to be alone,to forgive my self step by step for evrything ive done or that happend to me or that ive participated in,to maintaain stability when i feel im goin to blow up,to be strict and disciplined with my self.
I commit my self not to be agressif,not to blame others,not to be judgmental,not to allow myself to loose control,not to react according to memories,not to hold grudges,not to use my past as excuse to anything and not to give up on my self.

A few writtings from lately,mostly to expose my actions and thoughts to my self. May be supportive for others.(partially in french)

Au debut de ma relation,jme sentai un peu comme "lhomme de la petite famille",comme ke ctai sur moi kil pouvait compter.jme sentai comme le "protecteur" kil aimai et admirai dune certaine maniere.aussi dans ce temp la,cetai moi le "dominant" de la relation,alors je sentai ke javai bcp de responsabilte envers eux.jaidai tjrs avec plaisir mm si sa mtentai pas et jetai tres gentleman et respectueux kan on interajissait avec kelkun surtout d hommes et c la ke jetai sur la deffensive.comme si jdevait les proteger et ne pas laisser dautre homme sapprocher deux.pui je me voyai un peu comme limage masculine ke Ian aurrait de la famille.tt cela a basculer lorske jai commencer a considerer bitia commme la "dominante" de notre couple. a partir dun incident avec une fille jai senti une tention constante entre moi etg bitia et ds ce temp la elle essayai de me changer bcp.c la ke jai commencer a men foutre un peu de mon "status dhomme/gentleman" puiske javai trop de grudge envers elle.bcp de temp a passer ou je ne me proposait plus pr aider autant ou je netai pas gallant,jai perdu le but.jme disai a koi bon puiskelle aura kan mm la mm image de moi. Alors kan "bobby" a commencer a frequenter suegra je ne laimai deja pas (travail suegra,retard,sketchitude,riche,snob) tt des memoires ou des prejuges. en plus ds ce temp la bitia ne laimai vrmnt pas pr les mm raisons ke moi et aussi pr son arrogance o telephone,jai prit cela comme un encouragement(je netai pas le seul ki ne laimai pas).moi jne laimai pas aussi paske jle considerai cmme un danger puiske cetai un homme.o fur et a mesure jai vu ke Ian sattachai de plus en plus a lui (et ds stemp la il me disai tjrs non bassem!! et etai facher contre moi) alors kan jle voyai tout contant avec lui, jetai jaloux et jai commencer a pense: (ah non!sa va etre lui limage masculine de ian et pas moi).sa me frappait bcp paske jai voulu etre sa pendant longtemp jai voulu kil mecoute et kil aprenne de moi(ce ki na jamais marche).ensuite il ya eu un incident ke apartir de la, jai vrmnt baisser lestime ke javai envers la mere de bitia et ki ma fai detester cet homme(sous,nue,vomi/ian).a partir de la je nai plus voulu le revoir.apres sa les choses se sont calmer la tention est tomber et pui bitia a commencer a lui trouver un interet et mnt elle laime,ce ki ma vraaiiiiment frapper puiske je me sentai deja inferieur a lui (plus vieu,bcp bcp experience,riche,intelligent,beau parleur).pui la jai commencer a douter ke bitia le prendrai comme image masculine aussi comme un "pere kel a jamai eu".elle lui parlai parfoi de c probleme a ma place et prenai c perspective .et la jai vu kel pouvai faire confiance a un autre homme ke moi et sa aussi ma frapper puiske jme considerai le seul homme kel pouvait compter sur.alors les seuls fois ke j etai pas la pr la supporter c lui ki la fait.le plus kil rentrai ds leur vie personnelle le plus ke jsentai ke javai de moins en moins dimportance ou de necessite.

 

Jai donc accepter et permis de determiner ma valeur selon limage ke les autres avait de moi.

Jai aider et ete gentil seulement si je pouvait me faire apprecier ou avoir un certain profit.

Jai considerer comme si la "petite famille" me devait kelkechose,comme si javai un certain droit sur eux.

Je me suis considerer comme une image/un personnage en jouant un role.

 

 

Jai toujours voulu trouver les mauvais cotes,les failles,les trous"what makes it wrong" et jamai les avantages le bon cotes. Jai toujours douter de tout et detester kon me dise koi faire.

Sa ma pri de la force pr decider de lacher la religion et admettre ke ce nest ke dla merde esclavagante.

Jai essayai de trouver la faille a desteni. Kelke chose ke je trouvai incoherent deja.

Lorske jen ai parler a ma compagnonne,je redoutai deja de rentrer ds un grand debat ou une confrontation. Je lui en avait jamai parler si directement et jen avait peur paske jvoulai pas surmonter la confrontation. Je savai kil y avait kelke chose de pas correct mais je nai pas su comment lui faire parvenir le message directement. Je voulai savoir ce kel pensait de tt sa.

Lorskon a commencer a discuter,jetai deja sur la deffensive.

Un gars marchait ds lmetro pui foutai la merde.il intimidait tt lmonde et leur fesait peur,les insulter,il a mm tapper un homme deriere la tete.

Il ma regarder ma fait d gros yeux pi ma menacer indirectement.moi jlui ai sourit et lui ai fai signe de la main en voulant dire"keskia pk tu fai d probleme avec moi,jtai RIEN fait".apre il a continuer sa avec dautre gens.

Jai senti le besoin dintervenir et dareter ce gars la.je savai ke physikment il serait plus fort ke moi et kil avait surment une arme.jaurai pu le prendre par en arriere,mai jnai pas pri le risk.donc je nai rien fait.

Par apres jai ressenti toute sorte de choses:de la rage de la frustration,rancune,regret,impuissance,deception,manke destime,etc..

Sa marrive souvent deprouver le besoin de me prouver de plusieurs manieres.Ke se soit en me battant,parlant a "une belle fille",en maffirmant et prenant dla place avec mes amis.

Not lettin go of the past/not beleiving in my self or chabge/proof

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to use my partner for my profit and the hold certain grudge towards her when she dosnt give me what I want. She is not here on earth to please me but to express her self as life equal to me.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my slef to desire abuse and profit and to not care about the natural concequences of it on myself and others.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to create the need of someone ti satisfy me.

I forgive my self that i hqve qccepted and allowed mu self to create a relationship where to beings depend on eqchother to support eachothers polaritys in order to make sure we would be stuck in an never ending cycle in order to give ne security.

 

Im very afrqid to let go of my profit because im confortable. I know that this confortability will not last much longer for it has allready largly diminished. In my life Ive allways had someone behind ümy back to push me and to "keep me in line". Ive always been in a closed enviorment in a way or another. All my life I got use to victimizing my self and not taking responsibilty and also giving up on "important" things for something I "like" something confortable. Ive always wiched to have a girlfreind from wich i could gain profit satisfaction and confort, somewhere to hide and i had a very low self-estime so i never really had the chance to experience a relation ship or sex before Bitia wich complexed me further threw my teenages and even untill now. Ive always used weed to hide and to be confortable and that just augmented my "not wanting to do any efforts".

Now sence i have no more school or daily parental authority and protection to keep me in line specially that i dont have the personality reputation i had in high school, I have no where to hide and "nothing to do". Also, I do not get my satisfaction/sex/profit from my girlfreind anymore sence she started to implicate her self in her process of rebirth. My mom is going to leave for ever in a month, so I wont be financially supported in the same way wich will obligate me to get a job,something ive also been too lazy and afraid to do. I also see that freinds depend on money and image,so it is fake and will fade one day the least expected. Ive recently started becoming really jaleous of my little brother who is two years younger than me because he was doing things i have always wiched to do and always gave an image of my self as it I WAS that when in reality i was completly deceivin my self. It was about being a "G" and having sex with "hot girls" and having money and being "respected/cool". Then, when my girlfreind told me she was experiencing an attraction towards him, it totally hit me because i was allready doubting about it. I felt so bad with my self, like if i had no strenght no breath to talk, I felt worthless and sloppy / week like a worm, i felt betrayed and alot of images passed in my head of her wanting to have sex with him and it hurt me,i felt dizzy, i didnt want her to know wat i was experiencing i was afraid and lost,my stomach flipped and i felt like puking litterly i was choked because it was an accumulation from other things i was exeriencing before that i havnt straightend out with myself and i was mad in a way. So i saw at what point i depended in Bitia to like " be" practically. Im depending on her on so many bases. My process was always out of fear of being alone of "loosing her" and then later on i gave my self an image of "diffrent/interesting/hero" by using the abuse of life for my profit. Now evrything is braking down and the phisical is smacking me back to reality slowly. Weed is a major obstacle for me. And now it is Evry Thing that i must give up and I must take responsibilty and change for my self for real or I will stay in the cycle and rought slowly more n more till I decide to change eventually or die. I will not promess anytthing to my self but I MUST CHANGE, TAKE RESPONSIBILTY AND FORGIVE MY SELF ONE STEP AT A TIME.

For me

For me

Fir me for me fir me gor kefir me foe

I'm in constant cinflict and confrontations with my partner and it is something very unpleasent. I will not state anything about her because I want to take responsibility for my actions and their outcome.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to expect and desire that someone supports my dishonest actions.

I forgive my self fir accepting and allowibg my slef to try to impress someone in order to give value to my self according to someone else wich is total self deception.

I forgive my self for accepting allowing my self to get mad at someone when they do not give me what I want.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to abuse of others by interacting with them for the only goal of profit.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowin my self to expect someone to make a change before me which is also self deception threw the fact that I am not changing for me but for profit.